its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
