Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
