Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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