Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I look better un-naked...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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