I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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