I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
