Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
