i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
