There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
