Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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