now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
