I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
the liver wants what the liver wants
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
