I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
