i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
