I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
