My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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