Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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