the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
