Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
