My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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