I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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