There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
