The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
