I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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