I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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