so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
