Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
