i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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