Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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