We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
