You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
