Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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