My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
