eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We smell like vodka and hangover
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