There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
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I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
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She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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