You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
