how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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