I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
