Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
