The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
