I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
