I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
if i can run in heels then i can drive
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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