goodnight i made you a song goodbye
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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