I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
