Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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