So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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