I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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