I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
