I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
