You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
