I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
