haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
