My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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