The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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