Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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