I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
