Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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